Guilt

11:29 AM

Warning: Flow of reading may be confusing, as I didn't really proofread which goes along with which, it flows freely and confusingly like my state of mind...

Today I am feeling the second heartbreak this year.

First, it was a short-lived mutual romance, despite it being unofficial. I was ghosted by the man I had invested most of my soul and my feelings for. He was literally a stranger, as we had only met twice. But those two times were, as he termed it, intense. I feel the same way. For me, stranger or not, if the connection was there, although it may be intangible, then you're special. I leave myself unguarded, laying trust on someone I barely know, but as pessimistic as I may be, I am optimistic in these whimsical new relationships. Oh you sweet little folly, don't you know that you're climbing your own cliff to fall from?

He cut me off on Valentine's day. What a memorable Valentine.

The next day was the day I met the man who would eventually cause my second heartbreak. The difference was that, I was in love with the first man. As for the second man, I think I am more in love with the idea of who he is.

The second man appeared right after a huge heartbreak, and I was obviously mentally very vulnerable. But I wanted the attention, the intimacy, and the new adventure. He offered a daring new adventure I could try to explore, and I accepted his offer.

One thing about the second man, was that he was taken. He had been in a relationship for many years, wanted a new sensation and thrill, and happened to talk to me. The talk was great, and I was interested in the new world he introduced me to. We talked during New Years 2016-2017 while we coincidentally were in Singapore, and met two months or so later in the city where we reside.

The second man was my leaning pillar at that moment. He listened to me, and we continued talking too. I always felt some sort of guilt for continuing to talk to him, knowing he had a girlfriend, but my selfishness got the better of me. I wanted him, and I know I won't ever be able to become his lover, so I settled for physical intimacy. At that moment, I totally didn't mind not doing this again (and this will unfortunately change), and despite that things did not go as we expected, I had thought it was okay. I thought he was okay with it too.

Guilt has always resided in my mind when I talk to him after our meeting; sometimes it recedes and turns into temporary excitement and lust, and other times it full on blows and makes me very self-conscious. It's slowly eating me.

He also happens to be very sensitive in sensing people, and I'm always afraid he'll always be able to figure out what I try to conceal, in order to look strong and not show my weak side.

But alas, he always manages to expose it somehow. Left me feeling naked. I hated it when he guessed about me that accurately.. he has only met me once and our remaining interactions were strictly chats.

I didn't want him to see this side of me, the side that's selfish, who wants him for myself in the little chances I have with him. But I unwittingly exposed myself bare.

I trusted him too much. I spoke too openly and confided many things to him. In the end, I didn't know how to pretend, and I felt that even if I pretended, he'd just outright know what I was actually trying to convey. I gave him the win before he even achieved it.

There were two times where we had a little altercation, with the second more heated than the first, and those two times I made myself feel I am worthless. It's worth noting that I made myself feel that way. I doubt he had the intention to. I was already always feeling guilty, and apparently I am very, very bad at handling rejection when I want something very much.

I wanted him very much, because I found him very attractive and he was literally all that I want in a guy. He was my dream man: tall, very handsome, deep-set blue eyes, amazing sexual prowess, very kind and sensitive. But he was taken.

The first altercation actually wasn't really an altercation, but let's call it that way. We had arranged for another meeting with specific conditions from him. I was a bit reluctant, but hadn't really said anything definite. He sensed it, of course he did.

I cried a lot. I knew he'd have to go someday, but please not now. I was completely shaken. I was feeling guilty for not being able to fulfill his conditions, condemning myself for being a failure. I felt that, if I failed to submit to his conditions, he'd just leave me. And then I'd lose this comfortable leaning pillar. I made this relationship toxic for myself.

He was genuinely concerned afterwards, and asked about how I was doing sometimes. I was glad someone cared, and my conscience felt he was again, my leaning pillar. I could live without him, and not talk to him or think of him daily. Knowing he was there was enough.

Fast forward almost two months, I began talking to him again. At that time, I felt I was ready to open up to the possibilities of his conditions again, he seemed to like it, and I did too, but at the end of the talk, I was feeling reluctant again. The same exact feeling of reluctance.

Which means I wasn't ready for his conditions, and probably will never be.

Words that are said when you're lustful, are usually not words you'll say when you're sober. It was the case in his situation.

He felt that I felt too much emotions for him. I know it wasn't romantic emotions, but he was quite right on that. I may have a slight crush on him due to him being my dream man. I, however, was willing to kill those emotions just to get the intimacy that I wanted. He refused another meet up because he'd feel bad. Remember how I cried a lot because I was blaming myself and everything? Aside from avoiding too much drama from me, he is also genuinely nice and does not want me to get hurt... at least that's what I believe. And probably, I think, in his eyes, I will always be a woman who's unable to live a life of promiscuity.

I wasn't pleased. But the more I protested, the more I feel weak, and the more I proved his point. Now this second altercation really is an altercation, as it was full of arguments from my side.

In the end, I am stockpiling more guilty feelings for myself. Free toxic, from myself to myself. I felt very ashamed and embarrassed. This was not the side of me I was supposed to show to someone I admire and want to keep in my life.

This has happened once before with a different man. And it also began with guilt. And ended quite similarly when I felt it was highly unethical for me to continue talking to him.

I thought it was definitely over with the second man. For I have behaved so childishly. But I stupidly kept hoping. Until today.

--

His words were rather cryptic, but it probably meant he's going to stop his promiscuous life and start getting his life together with his girlfriend.

He'd still welcome me should I want to chat. But with all the guilt pent up inside me, I don't think I can continue talking to him like nothing happened. I want to apologize profusely for my past mistakes, but I also want to see him say he accepts my apology and tells me it's ok and don't be sad. I want that mental caress.

I also wanted to tell him, why didn't you just block me, but that would be very mentally masochistic of me, as it would deepen the ghosting wounds caused by the first man in this story. And I would again succumb into a depressed and anxious state.

With careful consideration, I didn't do any of what my mind wanted.

It's all over now. I'm heartbroken today, but time will heal, I will learn more from my past mistakes, and he shall stay only as a memory. Goodbye, M.

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