Forgiving

9:20 AM

I'm currently a wreck now.

I'm feeling lonely. Normally, I could go on and play games without feeling anxious but right now, I'm anxiously waiting for my close friends to reply my messages. At the same time, I feel bad if I have to trouble them, because the problem that's causing me to be a wreck is something I should have known... and so, I feel I deserve punishment for it.

I find it funny myself, that being heartbroken over immense guilt is worse than being heartbroken over someone I loved. One slight mistake and I feel I deserve the wraths of hell, even when the person concerned does not mind at all.

The rational side of me already knows that I am the one overthinking, but the emotional side blocks whatever common sense remains and instead, it screams condemning words towards myself.


I thought I would be fine, but now I'm a wreck.

This is my punishment for helping a man cheat on his girlfriend of many years.

I wanted to keep someone like him in my life. But... would that be wrong...? He has someone, and if I want to be friends, he'd have to lie to his girlfriend, and I know I'm not that worthy to be lied for.

I kind of wish we'd never met.

Why are you so nice to me? I don't deserve this.


And other fleeting thoughts which I can't remember. The man himself does not want me to spiral into depression, but for me, he was like a pillar which keeps me from crumbling at certain points. However, because he was the pillar, I easily crumble. The pillar should have been myself.

There were no goodbyes, and I could still talk to him and he'd reply normally. But talking to him about my passionate journeys while also knowing he is no longer the promiscuous guy I first knew him for.... it would kill me inside. Guilt, guilt, and more guilt. More free toxic for myself.

I have had bouts of depression thrice this year. And ironically it all was from interactions with him. The first one he suggested I go talk to a professional, and I listened. I got slightly better, and I say slightly because the root cause has not yet been taken care of: myself. The second one was after an argument with him, and I spiraled back into depression, albeit a mild one. He even wanted me to not be sad, but at that time, I criticized myself very harshly for acting childish and emotional. I felt I was so stupid, so childish, and so unfitting of my age to have taken the emotional way of handling things. The third one is... right now. I had hoped there would be some OTC mood stabilizers or something, but alas, there isn't any. At times like this, I understood the feeling of people who use alcohol or drugs to get away from reality, I really do, and had I had the wrong group of friends, I probably would've not just fall into a spiral of depression, but a much darker and likely inescapable one. On these three times of bouts of depression, I kept thinking, how good would it be to sleep forever and not wake up any more. I'd think again that I have a bright future ahead and remind myself of my dreams for the future, but some days I really feel like dying.

--

Friends have been telling me to stop talking to him, but I continued; I didn't think there'd be any harm... oh boy how wrong I was. Look at how much of a mess I am now, and I have no one to blame but myself. Even when friends tell me it's not my fault, I find it hard to convince myself otherwise.

And now I'm writing these blog posts because somehow, it feels different than when writing a diary. Each has its own perks, but right now I want to type more than write. I get distracted very easily when I write, constantly checking my phone to see if there's a new message from a friend, or play some games until I finally forget to write.

It's kind of a feeling of being afraid to confront my demons and weaknesses. I am afraid to face them, and my mind becomes blurry with gibberish thoughts, because if I confront them, I'll blame myself again and I'm afraid of feeling that self-blame again.

--

I admit that I want his attention, and if I can't be the first option, it's fine, I'll settle with anything as long as you can stay in my life for now. But this mindset is highly toxic and dependent of other people. I know this, but controlling emotions isn't as easy as it seems, and sometimes I like to free fall from a highly volatile emotional cliff just to see what I will experience.

--

Art is therapeutic for some people, but in my case, unfortunately it's one of the things I avoid instead. I keep imagining things to draw in my mind, but it is really hard to bring myself to draw again. It's no longer something that I enjoy doing, or can do without overthinking. I am bad at receiving critiques and rejections, and it's one of the key points you need to survive in this harsh world (aaaand I'll be back to self-blaming myself for not being good enough).

Honestly, if I had the money and not have to think about anything else such as responsibility, I'd go backpack around Europe and just do nothing for a few months, just wandering around. But it is only a choice for the highly privileged, and I am not, so...

--

I had told you that I definitely won't go back into my depressed and anxious state, but I'm sorry I disappointed you. I don't know myself, why do I care so much when I am only in love with the idea of you, instead of you as a person?

The world is full of mysteries, but I find myself a mystery far harder to crack than other people.

--

I have goals that I want to achieve but in the end, with so many obstacles, I somehow feel that I am just lazy even when I really don't have the willpower to, and I don't thank myself enough for the little things I do. I'm scared of doing that, imagine that! Thanking myself is scary. For me.

I have a book about meditation and forgiving myself from a hypnotherapy session I had last April, and yep, you probably guessed it, I find it scary to read. I'm afraid of what I might discover.

It is funny how fearful I am, living in my own country, and back when I was living my my host families for almost a year, I was brimming with positivity and eagerness to learn.

Well that's all for now, I've calmed down slightly, but my head still hurts. Tonsillitis with persistent headaches for almost a week, and then depression hits-- a tasty combo. Good night though, I need to sleep and hopefully be able to work.


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2 comments

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  2. hey babe. are you alone? it feels that you are lonely.. wanna have good time?

    ReplyDelete

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